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Thursday, September 29, 2011

Christmas Relationships Going Down the Drain. Relight the Flame.

If you can not tell yet, I love Christmas! It is the time of year where everything seems to change. You know what I mean, selfishness seems to take a back seat as we think of other. The sounds of Christmas music drowns out the noises of everyday life, and children's excited laughter is more audible then the adult grumps demanding our attention. It's just a time when peoples hearts are closer to the surface and more readily prepared to be changed.
I would like to write this post for all those struggling in their relationships with others, particularly husbands and wives, but can be applicable in other kinds of relationships as well.
Why? Why do we let insignificant things come between us and the people we love. Why do we let the mundane things of life block out or over run those intimate feelings we have once felt about those that somehow now offend us.  Life is too short to spend any portion of time holding grudges against a loved one. Unless the offenses are prison worthy, why not stick a cleaning snake down the clogged up drain pipe of flowing love and get back to being happy in a relationship that fits our ideal.
How? Try this exercise, write your answers down so you can discuss them with the loved one that is slipping away. Discussion is the key. If the discussion never takes place then you might as well flush the paper down the toilet, along with the chance of you ever getting back your relationship you are yearning to have.  Just kidding on the flushing your paper your writing on. Don't do it!  It might get stuck. Take it from a plumber, toilet paper only in toilets!  Just remember communication is the best "Draino" for the pipelines of a relationship.
Think back to the times when you felt things where the best they could have been in your relationship. What was different? What was the relationship giving you that you are missing? More importantly what where you giving in the relationship that you are failing to contribute now? Write it down. Be lengthy and specific, include your feelings of deep love for the person!
What caused the change? Was it a single certain event, or multiple consecutive happenings that caused the loving intimate pipe to seal off little by little until the flowing pressure of love slowed to a trickle?  Maybe it was just the lack of constant nourishment relationships need, and like the neglected plants around the house the leafs of fulfillment has now wilted. Whatever you feel it was, write it down! If possible, and the person in the relationship is compliant have them write there feelings down to separately and a lone so you will not affect their answers. Then come together and talk it out. If you approach the situation as the other person needs to change you will fail, but if you approach it as chance for you to change which will hopefully change others your on the right path.  Do not leave anything out of what you have written down, it all needs to come to the table so it can be dealt with. Do not get offended at what they have put down even if you think it is not true! Often times we are so caught up in what the other party has done or is not doing we can not see are own faults. I think you will find your partner in the stagnant relationship is feeling the same way you are and will be happy to get it out on in the open. Let the intimacy flow again! If, at any point, contention enters the room and anger builds with ether of you, stop the discussion because you are both to fault. Yes, I said both of you. Just trade papers and walk a way.  It would do you both good to read what each other wrote and let it sit for a couple of days.
Evey relationship is worth saving and making the necessary changes could be easier then you thought. Just give it a try!   
I will end with this analogy that you and your spouse, family member, or friend can try together to help seal the intimacy in stone. 
Find two candles go to a room at least fifteen by fifteen wide. Turn out the lights make sure it is pitch black. The blackness of the room represents a relationship where no one is giving to it, so it is easy to get lost in the darkness of things that don't really matter and that do nothing to light up the love between one another. Go to opposite corners, have one person light there candle. You will notice that there side of the room is visible along with them, but the person over in the other corner will still be obscured. This represents one person in the relationship giving all the time but never receiving anything in return. Often times the one that is receiving feels like everything is fine, they are so lit up with their needs being met that they forget to notice the needs of the person giving who is swallowed in the darkness. Now have the other person light their candle. You will notice that the room will become mostly visible with the exception of the dark corners of the room kiddy corner to the candles and at the sealing. This represents a relationship where giving is present but not as frequent as needed. The "just to keep them happy enough to stay of my back" relationship. It also depicts the selfishness relationships that become present when the nurturing of togetherness is left out. Now come into the center of the room with both candles lit. You will notice that with the exception of your shadows which are behind you representing that you are leaving all selfishness behind, the candles together in the center of the room have now lit up all the room even the corners there is not one place in the room that is not touched by the light of these two candles that are giving each other all the light they have.  Likewise if two people in a relationship who come together and give all they have to one another they will never lose their way in the darkness of loneliness as long as they continue to protect and nurture the flame.
Copy write 9/10/11 by Clint G Cox author of Christmas Notes.